Stamps Teams up with Tech professors for finals week initiative - "Get Tested"
Stamps Health Center on Monday announced a new initiative to bring free STI tests to campus during finals. The goal of “Get Tested: Finals Week” is to ensure the only itching you’ll have is the itch to get an A in your classes. The program is still in the final stages of development, but several catchy slogans have already come forward, such as “More calculus, less syphilis,” and “Focus on the learning, not the burning.” Although the majority of students don’t have to worry about STIs or loving partners, Stamps encourages those who ARE concerned to get tested (here’s to you, liberal arts students). Stamps Health Center ensures that these will be “the easiest tests you’ll take all week.”
When asked about her thoughts on the program, Clough Starbucks employee Angie Johnson said, “I’ll just be glad to see kids crying about something other than shitty GPAs. I mean, it’s definitely still a bummer but at least it’s something different.”
An opening ceremony will be held to commemorate this new Tech tradition. Details of the event have been leaked and include Bud Peterson launching STI tests into the crowd with a catapult. Buzz will be making an appearance in a festive condom costume, and free t-shirts will be given out with yet another slogan: “Be like me - Know if you have an STD.” It is rumored to be THE can’t-miss event that will determine if you can end your semester with a bang.
Until the program is in motion, however, the Health Center offers these tips for preventing STIs:
Use latex condoms -- Not only will it be a TOTAL power move if you walk into your residence hall office and grab a big handful of these, but you can even drop one when walking down the hall just so everyone knows at least someone is having sex! If taking risks (in both pregnancy and STIs) is your game, forgo the condom and hope for the best -- it’ll be good practice for that class for which you’ve never studied but are really hoping grade replacement will come in clutch.
Be a Computer Science major -- This will also increase chances of success on your finals.
Avoid sharing towels/clothes with your partner -- It’s about time you owned more than one towel.
Abstinence -- Here, the core of Southern public school sex education will serve you well. The only sure-fire way to not get an STI is to not have sex (hand stuff doesn’t count). Prayer is also an option, though not fully proven to work. With this, you can focus on the more important things anyway -- think about your Orgo exam or becoming a Georgia Tech icon, like Ms. GT or the unicycle guy.
Disclaimer: From us at The Crouton, we hope you test positively on your finals, and negatively on your ~other~ exams. Stay safe out there, kids.