Hipsters flee West Campus ahead of planned gentrification

It doesn't take stylish spectacles and an ironic t-shirt to see what's really happening here: the Man is killing the little guy. As usual 

It doesn't take stylish spectacles and an ironic t-shirt to see what's really happening here: the Man is killing the little guy. As usual 

The announcement of plans to open the “West Village” dining commons, a $29 million facility that will apparently include a number of dining options and study spaces, in Fall 2017 has caused many west campus residents to feel that the character of their beloved neighborhood is being threatened by this monstrous force of gentrification. West Campus Residence Life has reported a record-high number of housing transfer requests from dozens of hipsters who want to leave west campus before it gets too mainstream.

Kale Granderson, a 4th year ME that still lives in campus housing for some reason, said, “The whole point of living on west campus was to live in a place with character. I like that any given night I have my choice of cardboard disguised as pizza at Woodies or a diahrrea time bomb from Lucky Buddha. But this metal and glass testament to capitalism that they’re building is going to provide mainstream options like Panera or Starbucks, places with health ratings above a C. These suspenders of mine can support a lot of things, but they can’t support the destruction of local culture.”

We couldn't snap a picture in time, but one of our photographers did manage to render this sketch from memory of an actual west campus resident fleeing the scene of rampant capitalism. 

We couldn't snap a picture in time, but one of our photographers did manage to render this sketch from memory of an actual west campus resident fleeing the scene of rampant capitalism. 

Layla McKenzie, a 3rd year ISYE, commented, “Ugh, west campus used to be so happening. I don’t care how much cheaper or faster Starbucks is, I fully intend on making my coffee the way I always have: by filtering my finely ground arabica beans with rain water through the neckerchief I wore for three days at Burning Man and never washed.”

Jordan “Wildflower” Grossman, a 6th year CS, weighed in: “Look man, these glasses I’m wearing might not be prescription, but that doesn’t mean they don’t help me see what’s really going on: it’s the Man trying to drive out the thinkers from their homes so he can make room for the capitalist machine to keep moving forward.”

The director of the project refused to give The Crouton an interview, but he did tell one of our reporters that The Crouton would have to change its name in order to not confuse prospective diners at the identically named The Crouton, West Campus Village’s luxury salad bar/study lounge with literally no outlets anywhere. Our staff is still waiting to hear if we’re in line for a legal battle that we can in no way afford.



 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The events and quotes mentioned above are fictitious. Though tbh, we have no doubt that that we probably share our name with a luxury salad bar somewhere. The above opinions do not reflect those of Georgia Tech.