GT/USG Leaked Emails

Fearing that the State of Georgia would soon lose the competition of doing the absolute least to fight the spread of the COVID-19 pandemic, University System of Georgia officials have recently made the decision to instruct students to return to campus for the fall semester, refusing to even mandate mask usage to avoid giving off the impression that people in other countries could possibly do something better than Americans. 

Recently leaked emails between Georgia Tech and the University System of Georgia show that officials from USG continuously reference students as “money sources” and “cash cows” in correspondence with administration. Among the most egregious of emails, USG officials state that “[they] must get all of the money sources (sic) back on campus to ensure there is enough money for Phase 8.B.iii of Student Center reconstruction.”

When asked how he felt about the recent revelations, sophomore CS major Marcus Brown expressed mild frustration at the return to campus, mostly upset that he would no longer be able to spend all day playing League of Legends while having his Zoom lecture open on his iPad lying next to him. 

We reached out to the only students currently on campus at a frat party, who seemed to not understand the severity of the issue. When we finally reached the sober monitor at the house party of well over the suggested limit of people, he eloquently stated that “alcohol kills germs, bro.”

We also reached out to Governor Brian Kemp for comment, who had a very brief window between his hourly COVID tests, but he refused to offer a statement on the issue. 

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and does not reflect the reviews of Georgia Tech or the University System of Georgia. We have not seen any emails between officials, mainly because their passwords were not “password.”