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The biggest, fakest news this week and all the gritty details brought to you by The Crouton's expert reporters.

White People Officially Run Out Of Different Ways To Do Yoga

Gwyneth Paltrow, the official spokesperson for white people and CEO of lyfestyle brand Goop™ (because spelling it “lifestyle” is so 2017), tearfully announced that white people have officially run out of creative new ways to do yoga.

A Week Removed: Ways You Can Keep Protesting Nike Now That You've Exhausted The Obvious Ones

Nike has just unveiled a new campaign supporting people exercising their constitutional right to free speech. This, of course, is UNACCEPTABLE.