White People Officially Run Out Of Different Ways To Do Yoga
Speaking from her yurt located on the so-gentrified-it’s-actually-poor-again-side-of-Brooklyn, Gwyneth Paltrow, the official spokesperson for white people and CEO of lyfestyle brand Goop™ (because spelling it “lifestyle” is so 2017), tearfully announced that white people have officially run out of creative new ways to do yoga.
Speaking to the assembled press corps from the ardha padmasana (half-lotus) pose, Paltrow, the former Academy Award winner, read a prepared statement off a sheet of recycled vegan hemp toilet paper:
“What seemed inconceivable a few years ago when white people discovered yoga and introduced it to the world has finally happened: we have run out of different ways to make people spend money on yet another yoga class.”
Paltrow paused for a moment to compose herself and take a sip of amethyst crystal-infused water, before continuing:
“In the past few years, millenials have sought to enrich their lives with diverse adventures and experiences, and the yoga community has answered with an incredible array of choices: hot yoga*, goat yoga**, hot goat yoga (yoga classes led by particularly sexy goats), kid yoga (yoga for children), kid yoga (yoga with baby goats), bottomless mimosa yoga, bottomless vodka yoga, straight up alcoholic yoga, cat yoga, dog yoga, kitten yoga, puppy yoga, butt-naked yoga, racially diverse yoga***, all-white yoga (because racists should be able to align their chakras too), and even Sarah Huckabee Sanders yoga, an amazing experience where you bend over backwards every day in order to justify one of Trump’s latest tweets. We even tried to market to the Southeast Asian community with Indian yoga, but for some reason it didn’t quite stick.
Sadly, after coming up with marijuana milkshake hot goat yoga earlier this morning, I am devastated to report that white people have officially run out of ways to ruin yoga. All permutations have been exhausted.”
The press conference ended with the assembled reporters being given coupons for three free “Nicholas Cage Yoga” classes and a tote bag of free Goop™ products. Reporters were also given a written statement by Deputy White People Spokesperson, Ben Affleck, stating that white people were now hard at work on coming up with stupid variations on spike ball.
*Hot yoga is yoga done in a room that’s been made uncomfortably hot and humid. In India, this is also just called yoga.
**Goat yoga has participants perform a variety of poses while a bunch of goats just randomly wander through the area. Again, this is just called yoga in India.
***Racially diverse yoga encourages white people to actually do yoga in a room with brown people. Once again, this is just regular yoga in India.
