Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test to Prove She's Not Hillary Clinton

Washington DC - Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA on Monday in response to months of speculation that she was actually former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton wearing a lifelike flesh suit of the Massachusetts senator. Warren tweeted, “This will finally put to rest the suspicions that my awkward handshakes and even more awkward attempts to connect with people are a result of Hillary resurrecting her campaign from within the dried out husk of her political prodigy. This awkwardness is all me, buckos.”

The Warren campaign was delighted to report that there was an immediate spike in the polls as a result of the announcement: Warren’s approval rating with 25- to 27-year-old white men who play the banjo in Arkansas went up by 0.2%; her approval rating with 29- to 35-year-old Latina women who work in retail in South Florida went up by a whopping 1.5%; and the Warren campaign saw a 0.9% jump with the coveted 89-year-old Twilight-fan demographic. Experts believe that Warren could have seen significantly larger gains if her DNA results had proven that she was actually Barack Obama attempting to pull off a Presidential Mrs. Doubtfire.

The Crouton has reached out to but yet to receive a comment from Hillary Clinton or her staff as they are apparently busy attempting to create a life-size automaton of Beto O’Rourke.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. For all we know, she might legit be Hillary. But again, we have no idea.