Admissions Scandal Latest: Lettuce Club Given $50 to Get Student Waitlisted

It was only a matter of time before the college admissions scandal unearthed something at Georgia Tech. At 2:15 PM, the news broke that an FBI operation had uncovered yet another scandal, this time from within one of Tech’s most prestigious institutions: Lettuce Club.

Months of compiled texts, emails, WhatsApp messages, GroupMe chats, Instagram DMs, and Google+ messages revealed that a concerned Atlanta-area parent had resorted to bribing Georgia Tech’s Lettuce Club with nearly $50 worth of Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in order to ensure that her son could at least get waitlisted. To compensate for the fact that her son’s GPA was in the low twos and his extracurricular activities consisted of collecting unique Ed Sheeran Russian nesting dolls, the parent in question coordinated with Lettuce Club to let Admissions know that her wildly unremarkable child could consume an entire head of lettuce in under 2 minutes.

A second set of emails revealed that the same mother had approached the Georgia Tech Quidditch team with $60 worth of Taco Bell Nacho Fries and several doctored photos that were edited to indicate that her son was an actual, real-life wizard.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The Crouton is not officially associated with Georgia Tech.