Melania filing for custody of Trump boys following Donald-Kim Jong-Un affair revelation
A White House divided.
Following a series of torrid love letters between President Donald Trump and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, the former publicly announced that the correspondence between the two has led to the pair falling in love. The announcement received a mixed reception: some were elated for the happy couple (“I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, I always ‘shipped’ those two,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad), while others were understandably upset about how the First Lady might receive the news (“It’s one thing for poor Melania to have to compete with Ivanka, but now she has to compete with the man named North Korea’s most eligible bachelor 5 years in a row? It’s totally unfair,” said notable tantrum thrower Sen. Lindsey Graham). President Trump has already announced plans to move-in with his new supreme bae following his defeat in 2020 or his impeachment, whichever comes first.
Kim Jong-Un is only 27, but he’s not just the latest piece of eye-candy on Donald Trump’s arm - in addition to leading an entire nation, Kim has written 1,500 books, penned six operas, produced dozens of North Korean Oscar-winning films, and shot a 38-under-par round of golf that included 11 holes in one. How this sexual icon managed to become so accomplished while still finding time to execute thousands of political opponents and starving millions of his own citizens is a mystery that only adds to his appeal.
Despite reports of fireworks being fired off in the rose garden and a triumphant scream of “I’M FREEEEEEE!” coming from the office of the First Lady, Melania Trump’s staff have assured the press that she was absolutely devastated to learn that her husband’s attentions were focused on a fat Korean man as opposed to the usual parade of porn stars. Mrs. Trump’s lawyers plan on filing for divorce based on her husband’s declared love for a genocidal maniac.
Further complicating matters is the issue of Trump’s sons, Donald Jr. and that other one. Though aged 40 and 30-something respectively, Melania has filed for custody of two men whose collective mental and emotional maturity has yet to develop past a pre-pubescent level. Her lawyers plan on arguing that North Korea, a country whose people have been destroyed over the past seven decades by a series of tyrants, is no place to raise a pair of child-like monsters; instead, they argue, the Trump boys would be much happier in the U.S. destroying a country that doesn’t yet require United Nations food aid to feed itself.
Early reports are that no one has filed for custody of Tiffany.
Disclaimer: While the premise of this article is true - President Trump did actually say that he “fell in love” with Kim Jong-Un - the rest of this piece is a work of satire. Things haven’t quite reached this level of fucked up just yet.
