Georgia Tech 2019 Coaching Candidates
Long-time Georgia Tech football coach, and the answer to the question “What if the Pillsbury Doughboy were a real person?”, Coach Paul Johnson is finally retiring. He leaves behind a legacy of the triple-option offense, a drinking game that basically wrote itself, and this gem of a gif that will never die (see right):
Now that his era is over, however, the coaching merry-go-round has begun to spin, and the names of potential replacements being considered are flying thick and fast. The Crouton’s college football experts, which includes 2-time flag football intramural champion Brad “Football Groper” Lancaster, has put together this list of qualified candidates that will undoubtedly be interviewed for the job in the next few days.
Coach Eric Taylor
Pros
- Proven winner as evidenced by multiple Texas High School State Championships with the Dillon Panthers
- Inspirational as fuck - “Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose...unless we’re playing UGA apparently”
- Hot wife
Cons
- Fictional
- Failed as a college coach
Condoleezza Rice
Pros
- If she can trick opposing defenses as effectively as she tricked Americans into thinking Iraq had WMD’s, we’re in good shape
- Served as a member of the College Football Playoff selection committee in 2013 (yes, this actually happened)
Cons
- Has never played or coached football at any level
- Not even good at Madden
- Makes recruitment of Iraqi/Afghani players damn near impossible
Gerardo “Tata” Martino
Pros
- Has experience bringing success to Atlanta sports as the coach of Atlanta United
- Looking for a new job after this season
- Fashion-forward
Cons
- May or may not speak English
- We might be thinking about the wrong type of football
Ghost of Bobby Dodd
Pros
- Georgia Tech legend
- Proven winner
- Should help put the gender ratio in perspective for the rest of us
Cons
- At least 90% dead
- Is it tacky to have him coach at a stadium that’s literally named after him?
- Will have to sacrifice a member of the student body to placate the god of death and bring him back
Coach Urban Meyer
Pros
- Should be able to convince him that the Tech job is low-stress enough that it shouldn’t be detrimental for his health: we’re playing the Minnesota Golden Gophers in Detroit in the Quick Lane Bowl, it’s not like we have high expectations to meet
- Coached Florida, so he has experience hating UGA
Cons
- Might consider it a teensy step down to leave #6 Ohio State to coach Georgia Tech
- May or may not be the type of asshole who protects guys who abuse their wives
- Likes wearing red
Carl
Pros
- Has spent years watching every second of every game that Georgia Tech has ever played
- He absolutely knows what Coach Paul Johnson “should have done” in every critical moment
- Can name every Tech QB from the past 20 years
- Was named to the 1996 Second Team All-State as a linebacker for the St. Francis High School Fighting Sea Slugs
Cons
- Will require that his lucky lazy boy chair be brought to every game
- Only knows the perfect play to run after the play has already happened
Anarcho-syndicalist
Commune
Pros
- Georgia Tech could become the first football team to be coached in an entirely democratic manner, with players taking it in turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week, with the decisions of the executive officer requiring ratification at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major issues
Cons
- Would we ever run the ball up the middle on 3rd-and-18 again in this system?
