Ehrhart in a coma after slipping on snowflake invasion at the Capitol

Ehrhart in a coma after slipping on snowflake invasion at the Capitol

The Crouton
Campus Politics, Student Life

Earl Ehrhart, a Republican member of the Georgia House of Representatives, was rushed to the hospital just after leaving a congressional hearing on Monday morning. Despite his sure-footed ability to stand on the rights of rape victims and minorities, Ehrhart lost his footing on the top step of the Georgia State Capitol building due to the presence of unexpected snowflakes in the area.

“It’s bizarre,” said Ehrhart’s chief of staff Francis Beauregard Montgomery, “Rep. Ehrhart specifically changed the date of the hearing because the weather report predicted snowflakes on Friday and he didn’t want to deal with them. Hell, snowflakes should have never gotten inside – this is supposed to be a safe space for venerable representatives like Mr. Ehrhart but the snowflakes not only arrived early, they somehow sneaked into the building.”  Montogmery told us that despite the fact that Rep. Ehrhart has plenty of past experience dealing with black ice, he was completely unprepared for the snowflake invasion at the Capitol.

Montgomery’s surprise at the slippery conditions within the Capitol was echoed by the maintenance staff. Said maintenance worker Jeffrey Hollenbrook, “We honestly did everything we could to make sure that conditions within the building would be ideal for an old white guy who, at his most athletic, can play 18 holes of golf…on his phone. We even laid down some of the leftover salt from all the representatives that supported HB 51 after it got shut down twice in two weeks. Nevertheless, the snowflakes persisted.”

Hollenbrook reportedly reached out to the nerds over at Georgia Tech to see if they might have any answers for how snowflakes mysteriously defied the laws of physics and got into the building but Tech responded that their library can’t afford to cover such topics due to a lack of funding.  

Ehrhart was raced to the nearest non-public hospital where he is now receiving the best possible care from American-born nurses and doctors that aren’t stealing jobs from good, honest citizens. Ehrhart’s staff set up a GoFundMe campaign to help pay for the representative’s medical fees but his family assured them that Mr. Ehrhart never made the completely avoidable mistake of being born too poor to afford health insurance. Doctors have assured the press that they believe Ehrhart’s fighting spirit will help him pull through.

Dr. Brady McDougal told Crouton reporters, “If Ehrhart can show the same guts right now that he showed when he told a room full of rape victims to go trigger somewhere else, he can do it. If he can summon up the incredible courage and persistence it took to call a college rape victim a spoiled child for standing up to him, good ol’ Earl should be able to pull through."

 

 

Disclaimer: The events described are fictional and the article is a work of satire. The views expressed in this article do not reflect those of Georgia Tech. 

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