Georgia Tech vs. TCU: Team Profiles
Georgia Tech has defied the odds and advanced to the finals of the NIT, the only collegiate tournament that the Crouton’s sports reporters have been following because literally all of them forgot to do their March Madness brackets. The Ramblin’ Wreck will play TCU on March 30 at 8 p.m. Eastern Time. The following profiles of the two competing schools have been put together by the Crouton's sports reporters after watching every minute of every Georgia Tech basketball game this season and the last five minutes of TCU’s semifinal match-up against UCF.
- TCU’s mascot, Super Frog, was actually a rejected concept for Pikachu, the beloved Pokémon – producers of the cartoon thought the original concept looked too much like a cross between a dead frog and the recurring nightmare that leaves you in a cold sweat each night.
- TCU’s out-of-state tuition is a record $42,579 higher than the value of a TCU degree.
- 6’11” forward Vladimir Brodziansky is not a Russian spy. At all. He’s from Slovakia. We received a totally friendly and not at all terrifying letter written in cut-out letters from magazines that asked that we stop looking into this. He’s not a spy.
- The athletic department at TCU originally wanted to have a real horned frog that they could bring to games on a leash; this idea was quickly dropped when they realized that horned frogs are assholes in real life.
- The horned frog isn’t even a frog. It’s technically a fucking lizard. We’re not even kidding. There are no horned frogs in Texas – only horned lizards. Seriously TCU?
- The team watches Michael Jordan's half-time speech to the Tune Squad from the 1996 Oscar-snubbed classic "Space Jam" before every game.
- Ben Lammers, the ACC Defensive Player of the Year, cuts his own hair, but Coach Pastner insists he use safety scissors to minimize the risk of an injury.
- Ben Lammers is listed at 6'10", but according to his besties he's 7'2" in heels.
- Josh Okogie, the 6’4” freshman, says his own name under his breath every time he dunks.
- Coach Pastner, this year’s ACC Coach of the Year, was once on a list of College Basketball’s 50 Most Eligible Bachelors during his time as an Assistant Coach at Arizona. In his profile, he openly admitted to liking pineapple on his pizza. We’re not kidding about this. This is real life folks. The following is the photo that accompanied his profile. You can find the rest of his dating profile here.
- There actually are yellow jackets in Georgia. Because we aren’t morons. Take note TCU.
The Crouton's Prediction:
Georgia Tech: 82
If we're right, we will actually send Ben Lammers a $10 gift card for Great Clips.
Disclaimer: The above work is a work of satire. Unless explicitly stated, all of the above statements are fictional. The above views do not reflect those of Georgia Tech.