Class of 2021 first to be subjected to Sorting Hat for major selection
The annual convocation speech will be replaced by a Sorting Ceremony. Instead of an amped-up senior telling the freshmen that "They can do that!" there will instead be a talking hat telling them what to do.
Georgia Tech Admissions has recently announced that, due to the high volume of major switches that occur within the first few months of every semester, Georgia Tech will be employing a Sorting Hat to decide the majors of the incoming Class of 2021. International Affairs advisor Joshua Ray commented to a Crouton reporter, “These may be the smartest kids in the nation but they sure as hell can’t make up their minds. I swear half my job is processing change-of-major forms in the first two weeks of the school year. If I had a nickel for every time some kid switched into electrical out of liberal arts because they thought applying as liberal arts would make it easier to get in, I’d have, like...72 nickels. That's like...$40? I don't know, math doesn't make much sense to me. You know what does make sense? A Sorting Hat. ”
Admissions also made it clear that the Sorting Hat's decisions will be final - this means that that one asshole who has been at Tech for nearly a decade because he switched from mechanical to industrial to electrical and back to mechanical will finally have to graduate and stop creeping out the much younger roommates that get assigned to him because he keeps choosing to live in undergraduate housing. Furthermore, the Sorting Hat will come equipped with the ability to tattoo the word "Try-Hard" onto the forehead of anyone who chooses to double-major and add a minor.
The announcement was met with mixed reactions by the different departments. The Ivan Allen College of Liberal Arts expressed confidence that the Sorting Hat would boost their numbers since, according to one of the school’s advisors, “Anyone who cries when watching the end of Field of Dreams (which is everyone) is liberal arts on the inside"; the George W. Woodruff School of Mechanical Engineering expressed concern: “Any Sorting Hat that isn’t as blind as Stevie Wonder is going to be able to see that no student actually wants to be put through the shit that ME puts you through. We’re screwed."
On a national level, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos tweeted out her approval for the initiative:
The Greek community is reportedly considering following in the footsteps of Georgia Tech Admissions with a pair of Sorting Sperrys that will somehow possess the ability to tell the difference between Georgia Tech’s frats.
Disclaimer: As awesome as the above events sound, this is a work of satire and is thus entirely fictional. These views do not reflect those of Georgia Tech. You're just going to have to make your major choice all by yourself and live with that decision forever.
