The Crouton's Guide for the Freshman Experience

Aug 28

Aug 28 The Crouton's Guide for the Freshman Experience

Our freshmen residence halls are now crawling with wide-eyed, bushy-tailed college students ready for the exciting college life. Several weeks from now, they will be doubting all of their life choices at 4 a.m. in a CULC booth the night before their midterms, but somewhere along the line they will have to deal with their roommate. A roommate can either be your best friend or your worst enemy - we’ve made this handy guide for ensuring the former:

Prepare (Stalk): If it’s random housing, make sure you know everything there is to know about your roommate before you meet the lucky gal. Friend her on Facebook. Add her on Snapchat. Follow her on Instagram. Like pictures from eight years ago. Hunt down the character she created on Runescape 10 years ago. Befriend it with the character that you’ve maintained active all these years. Get married. Have Runescape children. Raise a family. Raise your tree chopping levels so you can pay for them to go to college. Ya done good kid. Ya done real good.
Icebreakers: If you thought icebreakers were fun when being led by the human embodiment of cocaine (otherwise known as a FASET leader), trust us when we say that they're even more fun between just two people. It’ll be you and this complete stranger sitting on a futon in a concrete room under flickering fluorescent lights learning the nitty-gritty details of each other’s lives.
Share Everything: If you’re going to share a dimly lit jail cell that Freshman Experience has the audacity to call a “residence," you might as well share everything else: sweaters, socks, hairnets, toothbrushes... nothing should be off-limits in dorms that have been officially condemned by the United Nations Human Rights Council.
Joint Activities: Is the roomie keeping you up all night by hooking up with his significant other on the bottom bunk? Don’t be a downer - be an upper! There's nothing better than getting encouragement from the upper bunk while going to town on your SO, so be supportive! Tell him he's doing a great job! If he seems lost, give instructions! Everyone needs a "backseat banger" once in a while.
Wake Up Assistance: If you're having trouble waking up to your alarm in the morning then we guarantee that your roommate isn't! Expedite the process by placing your alarm closer to your roommate. If he's a decent person, then he will love the chance to help you out every morning.
Be passive-aggressive: Being confrontational about issues is... icky. If you have a problem with your roomie, it’s best not to be too direct about it - instead, leave sticky notes everywhere. Did Ashley play her music too loud while you were hungover? Leave a note on the stereo asking her to be more considerate of your drinking habits. Did she use your really expensive face cream that has flakes of real gold in it? Leave a note implying that she’s a major bitch ON HER MOTHAFUCKING FACE WHILE SHE’S SLEEPING. Also, add another note recommending a moisturizing routine because you can't help but notice that this girl's skin is dry as fuuuuck.

If you follow these six steps to the letter, you'll have a best friend for life...or at least for the first two months until you make real friends and then go back to just saying hi awkwardly and never saying another word to each other.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. If you do attempt to follow these steps, The Crouton cannot be held responsible for the outcomes or potential criminal charges. Seriously, we do not recommend you follow any of these steps. The views in this article do not reflect those of Georgia Tech. Or The Crouton for that matter.