Cloud of glitter from sorority recruitment videos slaughters thousands of birds
Ornithologists, bird enthusiasts, and the occasional bird-phile were stunned and horrified as literally thousands of birds of every species began to plummet from the air over north Atlanta. The cause was quickly identified when autopsies revealed that each bird carried, on average, approximately eight ounces of glitter in their stomachs. The fact that Atlanta’s Pride Parade was in October and Atlanta’s Annual GlitterCon (a convention for glitter enthusiasts) was in March, has led investigators to theorize that the dozens of sororities filming recruitment videos and taking cute pictures for Rush in the area are to blame for the drastic decrease in the local bird population.
Detective Carl J. Avem spoke with The Crouton about his suspicions: “Yeah, what I figure happened is all the sororities were making their recruitment videos and they got to that dumbass part where they blow glitter straight into the camera and it all got picked up by the strong south-north wind we’ve had in the area today. They probably did multiple takes because someone’s hair is always going to be messed up the first 15 times. Next thing you know, it’s raining birds.”
PETA was quick to release a statement that no one read on their official site: “It’s one thing to commit a crime against humanity with those god-awful recruitment videos, but a crime against birds is inexcusable. We don’t give a shit about them literally boring people to death with videos of them making pointless arts and crafts or studying while sunbathing, but hurting birds? That’s where we draw the line.”
The Georgia Tech Sorority Public Relations Council declined to comment directly to our staff, but did release a statement to the community. “We absolutely deny any responsibility for the death of these birds. The practice of blowing glitter into a camera while giggling for no discernible reason is absolutely crucial to the promotion of the sisterhood.” The Council did add a further caveat to their statement: “If, however, for some reason we are found responsible- WHICH WE WON’T BE - we would like to posit that the birds died the same way we would all want to go: fabulously in a blaze of glitter.”
The Crouton has also submitted requests for comment to the National Bird Protection Agency, the National Agency for the Protection of Birds, the Bird Protection National Agency, and God, but has yet to hear back.
Disclaimer: The above article is a work of satire. The above views do not reflect those of Georgia Tech. No worries sororities, blow all the glitter you want.
Betsy Devos would 100% refer to Georgia Tech as "Georgia Tech University"