Philadelphia building a new Philadelphia in honor of Super Bowl win
Following the Philadelphia Eagles’ 41-33 upset victory over the New England Patriots in last night’s Super Bowl, the city of Philadelphia has announced plans to build an entirely new city of Philadelphia in honor of the historic win. The city’s entire population has already begun to help by voluntarily destroying the old city to make way for New Philadelphia.
Self-appointed South Philly Construction Supervisor Chuck O’Rourke commented on the plan’s progress so far: “Yeah, we decided to start by taking down superficial objects like light poles and sign posts. We’re also flipping as many cars as we can onto the sidewalk to make room for new pavement to be laid down. We've got a group of volunteers openly shitting and puking in a nearby public park to fertilize a new organic community garden. It’s gonna have kale and beets and other healthy hippie shit. New Philly’s gonna look real good, just you wait.”
Philadelphia is also embracing innovative new city planning techniques by setting fire to non-essential objects like convenience stores, Dunkin’ Donuts and random tires in the street. The locations of New Philadelphia’s future boutique artisan mayonnaise stores, imported flower market, and SoulCycle locales are being marked by tasteful spray painted messages like “Fuck you Brady and your fuckin’ uggs!” and “Pats fans can suck it!”
The Crouton will continue to cover this groundbreaking city planning project from the relative safety of an overturned cheese steak cart.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. It does not reflect the views or opinions of, nor is it officially associated with, the Georgia Institute of Technology.