Plans Approved for Earl Ehrhart Library
Earl Ehrhart, the longest-serving Republican in the Georgia House and an avid pre-Civil War reenactor, has officially announced his retirement from politics. His departure will leave a gaping hole of racism, misogyny, and homophobia that even Steve Bannon on steroids would struggle to fill.
In light of Georgia’s most prominent Professor Umbridge impersonator leaving office, Georgia Tech has revealed modified plans for Georgia Tech’s library renovation. The Earl Ehrhart Library, named in honor of the state’s most accomplished suppressor of minorities, marginalized groups and dreams, is set to unveil innovations the likes of which have never been seen in a collegiate environment.
Jimothy Beauregard Robert E. Lee Jackson IV, the architect hired to implement the new features, spoke glowingly about his plans:
“I want to make this magnificent library a testament to the values that Mr. Ehrhart believes Georgia Tech should embody. That’s why we’ve included amenities meant to make this so much more than just a place where students can educate themselves with fake news from books and peer-reviewed journals.”
Among the amenities included, the following stood out:
The Men’s Resource Center: A place meant to provide a safe space for the young men that comprise roughly 65% of the student body.
The Micro-Aggression Reaction Room: A place where young men can take out their frustrations at getting called out for micro-aggressions by macro-aggressively punching pillows while Tim McGraw plays softly in the background.
The Reassurance of Sexuality Rooftop Garden: This green space on the roof of the library will have pansies to remind the students that none of them were born like Bryan Long, the gay executive director of Better Georgia who Rep. Ehrhart once called a total pansy; it will also have 32” plasma screens showing football highlights on a loop as well as gorgeous murals of pickup trucks that would be completely unnecessary on an urban campus like Georgia Tech, in an effort to assure those who visit the garden that they should never doubt themselves.
The Citizens-Only Media Center: A top-of-the-line center where only those who can prove their American citizenship through five forms of photo identification can enter and use the amazing technology made available to them by Chinese factories and Indian engineers.
The Trigger Somewhere Else Study Room: A place where survivors of sexual assault can look forward to comfortable chairs, tables with plenty of outlets built in, and a looped audio recording of some of Earl Ehrhart’s catchiest phrases blaring at top volume.
Phrases will include such classics as “The trauma of going through a false accusation…is not unlike the trauma someone experiences when they’re raped” and “If you feel triggered, trigger somewhere else.
Artist's rendering of Crosland Tower post-renovations.
There are also unconfirmed reports that Crosland Tower will incorporate the Eye of Sauron to ensure that Tech students live with the same uneasy feeling that they had during Ehrhart's tenure. There is also talk of installing a "Earl Ehrhart Listening Rock" where students can voice their concerns to a large slab of granite with a giant middle finger carved into it and be met with Rep. Ehrhart's typically empathetic response.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire (i.e. fiction). Neither this work, the opinions expressed in it, nor The Crouton are associated in an official capacity with Georgia Tech.
