Chad announces triumphant return to Masters, hopes to pick up 15th green visor

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Following a two-year hiatus from the PGA tour, Chad “Mad Dog” McDonnell announced that 2018 would mark his return with an appearance at the The Masters in Augusta, Georgia. Having finally received notice that the PGA has lifted the ban he had received for drunkenly taking a dump in one of the sand traps before exposing himself to Bubba Watson while yelling "Hey Bubb, check out my chub!" (an event that the pro golfer apparently still hasn’t fully recovered from), Chad did what any reasonable human being would do and dropped $5,000 on tickets to go watch middle-aged “athletes” play golf for a few days. In a press conference on ESPN 69 the Brah, Chad expressed his hopes that this tournament would see him pick up his 15th Green Visor.

“The two year ban gave me some time to think and to get back to doing what I do best, which is getting drunk while watching the world’s most expensive hobby disguised as a sport. I’m a little older, and a little slower, but I can still down a natty in under 30 seconds, and I can still drunkenly yell 'Let’s go Tiger!' at all three black guys at the Masters.”

When asked what he feels he’s improved upon since his infamous “Kitty Litter” moment on that fateful Sunday afternoon two years ago, Chad was surprisingly candid: “I’m not bringing anything new and revolutionary to the game - I talked buttchugging with my caddie but we both decided I wasn’t ready - but I do feel like I’ve made small adjustments that’ll make all the difference. My launch angle when I projectile vomit is significantly improved, my carry is up to about 15 beers smuggled onto the course, and my downswing once I start to sober up is way less severe than it used to be.”

Chad made it clear that, besides getting more wasted than Chernobyl after a mistake at the nuclear plant, he has one goal in mind: to claim that coveted 15th Green Visor. “Not being able to walk around campus with a visor that tells everyone that I went to that year’s Masters in 2016 and 2017 was rough, and I’m ready to feel like a champion again. I want to wear something that lets people know that I dropped thousands of dollars so I could watch a slightly more athletic version of croquet in person while simultaneously showing off my premature balding.”

 

 

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and does not reflect the views of, nor is it associated with, Georgia Tech. 

 

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