Campus Brand Ambassador: "It's like a co-op, but better!"


Sporting a t-shirt with the neon green words “Veg OUT!™” and a dazzling smile, Tony is handing out fliers on Skiles like his life depends on it. Despite the presence of a swag-covered table meant to provide a protective barrier for the students, Tony has managed to get himself out in the open where he can randomly thrust lukewarm bottles of Veg OUT!™ into the hands of unsuspecting freshmen on their way to the calc lectures that they still think they need to attend.

When our intrepid reporter approached Jake for an interview, Veg OUT!’s™ newest campus brand ambassador was only too happy to oblige.

“S’up man, you looking to Veg OUT!™?” asked Tony whilst simultaneously handing our reporter two Veg OUT!™ branded sporks, a Veg OUT!™ branded stress ball, one Veg OUT!™ branded flash drive, and a Veg OUT!™ branded phone wallet sticker. After informing the reincarnation of Billy Mays that he had no idea what it actually means to Veg OUT!™, Tony launched into his pitch: “Veg OUT!™ is a lifestyle revolutionizing drink. Utilizing only organic elements like tomato juice, carrot puree, and ground up endangered rhinoceros horn - Veg OUT!™ gives you everything you need to live your best life: oxidants, antioxidants, immune system support, potentially the Black Plague, laxatives, constipators, and, according to some studies, the ability to talk to dead people. Want a free Veg OUT!™ koozie to go with your very first can of Veg OUT!™?!”

After assuring Tony that he was in no way interested in ruining his liver with anything other than alcohol, our reporter changed tactics, and asked the sorry excuse for a Jake Paul impersonator about the job itself. Tony was more than willing to discuss his lifestyle-revolutionizing choice to become a brand ambassador.

“Becoming a brand ambassador is more than a campus job,” said Tony as he took a swig of Celery and Bull Testicle Veg OUT!™. He continued, “It’s about reppin’ a brand you believe in while you get some amazing work experience that’ll look totally amazing on a resume. It’s, like, basically a co-op but better!”

Fearing that Tony might try to slip a few more bottles of Veg OUT!™ onto his person (three had mysteriously found their way into his bag during the interview), our reporter cut the interview short and left, now fueled by 16 ounces of organic spinach juice and ground lemur femur.

Student LifeThe Crouton