A Guide to Awkward Hometown Street Encounters
Picture this: You’re back at home. You’ve remembered what it means to be more than a shell of a person. You capitalize on that momentum and decide to leave the house. Suddenly you see that kid Kyle from high school. You’re not entirely sure how you know him, but you’re 100% sure that you’ve run into each other before: Was it in AP US History? Did you play on the same softball team in gym class? Was he that kid that peed his pants during a final exam? You panic. What do you do? You’re too far away to already say hey or acknowledge his presence. If you wave, smile, or nod now, you’ll have to walk another 30 seconds with him in your sightline. But it’s too late; you’ve made eye contact. Welcome to hell.
1. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone in this satanic nightmare. Kyle also doesn’t remember exactly how you know each other, so he is already predestined to be unequipped with the social skills to handle this travesty.
2. It may be hard, but never break eye contact. Never break eye contact. You both are locked in the dance, but the worst rush of awkwardness comes from looking away and then looking back at your social captor. As long you keep eye contact through the entire engagement, Kyle will look away, and you can take solace in the fact that while you have it rough, he is in utter agony. If he also follows these tips and you both maintain eye contact throughout, please email us your findings as we were unable to find a single instance of that ever happening.
3. Next, the pump fake. You’ve left the realm of friendly acknowledgement – this is now a fight-to-the-death. The next move in asserting your dominance is initiating a wave when it is obviously just a bit too early. Right when your hand is above your shoulder and about two fingers are slightly raised, you whip it back to its original position. Your face goes emotionless; your eyes become empty. If he even for a second took the bait, there is a good chance that he may not even survive this interaction.
4. Finally, the greeting. Your dead eyes are still piercing into Kyle’s. You reach the point where a greeting is normal, fine, even casual. You have him on the ropes. But after all the mind games you’ve played, make sure that you DO. NOT. INITIATE. He will give you a meek wave or “hey,” and here’s where you close.
5. You keep eye contact. You say nothing, completely ignoring his pathetic grasp to relieve the tension. Then, when you are completely side-by-side in passing each other, you throw your arm out and you grab him by the stomach. Then you whisper -- barely audibly -- into his ear, “Hello, Kyle.”
6. You’ve made it, relief can wash over you.
