What To Do At Your Friend's Wedding To Forget How Weird It Is That She's Only 21
Well, it’s finally happening. You knew this day would come but you’ve been burying the thought under mountains of homework and alcohol for the past four years: your somewhere-in-Georgia-that-isn’t-Atlanta-raised friend, let’s call her Sarah, is getting married literally months after graduating.
This is weird. There’s no sugarcoating it (even though Sarah’s family loves sugar coating everything and then deep frying it). Sarah, whose hair you had to hold just a few short months ago while she upchucked an entire bottle of Smirnoff in the bathroom of a Cookout, is getting married to a guy whose definition of classy hasn’t evolved past wearing his “upscale Sperrys”. You’ve seen your best friend kill off approximately 29 succulents, each of which was named CPJ (Cactus Paul Johnson), in just four years; nevertheless, she’s talking animatedly with her new mother-in-law about all the grandchildren she’s gonna start popping out like a Pez dispenser the moment they’re back from the honeymoon.
So there it is. You’re up to your neck in the weirdness and you need coping mechanisms. We’ve got you covered.
Drown the weirdness with booze. For four years in college, you drank away the knowledge that your best friend was 100% going to marry her high school sweetheart wayyyy too young, so why not try the same method now? The best part of any wedding is the open bar so go right ahead and just- what’s that? The bride and groom are both 21 and don’t have the money to afford an open bar because they’re young and broke? It’s a….CASH BAR?! Fuck.
Hookup with a groomsman. If you’re gonna watch your friends make really bad life choices in front of an entire congregation, you might as well make some yourself during the reception. One of the best aspects of any wedding is the fact that you’re all dressed up, everyone’s a little tipsy, and all your fellow party-goers are out-of-towners that you’ll never have to see agai- oh wait, Sarah and Chuck don’t have any non-college friends so you already know everyone here and if you sleep with any of them that shit will get around faster than mono in a frat house. FUCK.
Find the guy with the joint. There’s always someone. There has to be. Please. Dear God if you exist, find me some weed.
Find a topic that isn’t college to talk about. You’re surrounded by people that you literally just graduated with. You have no booze to lube up the conversation. Some of you have jobs, some of you are still searching, so the job talk is a no-go. Is there anything you can talk about with these people that ISN’T the 4-year hell hole you just left? What’s that? Carl still hasn’t watch Avengers so you can’t talk about that? Well, fuck you, Carl. Go watch that shit already.
Re-join Tinder for the 4th time. You’ll probably use the rest of the data in your family’s shared phone plan to download this app again at the reception, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. So you’ve sworn it off a couple of times? What’s the big deal? YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED so you’re allowed to see all these fish in the sea that your grandmother keeps talking about. Yes, men do keep saying weird things to you and yes, you do get sad because it’s never the really hot ones that would make meeting them on Tinder worth it who swipe right on you.
Hit on her dad. Sarah’s been described by her new hubby’s frat brothers as a “total hottie” - why else was she voted to be their sweetheart TWO years in a row? It ’s definitely not that they paid attention to her personality (which is honestly one of her best features). But her good genes do come from somewhere and you’ve finally found the source. You’ve spent 4 years being hit on by frat bros with premature dad bods - now you’re ready to get your hands on the real thing. Hit on her DILF.
The fact of the matter is, this is just the start of the weirdness. Sarah’s only the first domino to fall - pretty soon, your entire Facebook feed is gonna be chock full of proposal videos and your mailbox is gonna be bursting with Save the Date’s (one of the worst kinds of STDs you can get in your early 20s). We recommend you either memorize this list or print it, laminate it, and stick into the pocket of your go-to wedding suit/dress where you’ll forget about it until the reception of the next wedding you go to.