Runoff Election: Candidates Will Participate In Decathlon In Addition To Voting

Georgia’s Republican gubernatorial primary has gone into a runoff today between current Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp and current Lieutenant Governor Casey Cagle. As of late, the competition between the two has been a testosterone-filled conservative-off. In trying to swing the hardcore Bible Belt base in their favor, Cagle and Kemp have spent their campaign time trying to prove that their blood runs redder than the other guy’s. However, with both candidates lacking a clear edge in the polls, the two have announced a new strategy: a head-to-head Conservative Decathlon that will prove once and for all who’s the most Republican. The events will follow voting today and are as follows:

1. Rounding up the most people who took more than one year of high school Spanish

2. (Shot)Put a gun in someone’s hands in the sketchiest way that’s still legal

3. Driving Mike Williams’ Deportation Bus the farthest before it breaks down (again)

4. Discus…..s Hillary’s emails again

5. Coming up with the most creative way to talk about Muslim people that’s not obviously insulting but still makes you feel kind of uncomfortable

6. Hurdles placed in front of women seeking an abortion

7. Jeopardy! but about a woman’s reproductive system (lowest score wins)

8. Seeing who can take the most non-white babies straight out of their strollers and run away from their parents with them

9. Racial profiling contest

10. 1,500 meter run to put as much distance between yourself and Trump’s latest twitter shitstorm

The events will be live-streamed on Fox News right after a quick segment asking for thoughts and prayers for the victims of the next Democratic attempt to steal everyone’s guns.

On the other side of the aisle, Georgia’s Democrats are swinging to the left in the hopes of winning the chance to run in a futile attempt against literally any other Republican in their respective districts. With basically no prominent Democrats in the state (John Lewis notwithstanding), the few Georgia liberals have to find a way to make their names known. Therefore, like Kemp and Cagle, they’ve decided to create their own Democratic Decathlon, which includes 10 events that will hopefully prove who is, in fact, the biggest snowflake after all.

Democratic Decathlon:

1. Non-phallic, all-inclusive pole vault

2. High jump from your high horse to somehow connecting your opponent to the Nazis

3. Who can slip “I’d vote for Obama for a third term if I could” into a ten-minute conversation the most

4. Who can blow a Trump tweet the most out of proportion

5. Who covers up their latent racism the best

6. Best attempted Twitter takedown of Tomi Lahren (or similar famous conservative)

7. Best way to propose a blatantly socialist policy without actually saying the word “socialism”

8. Who has the most intensive Trump-Russia conspiracy board in their house (bonus points if the pictures are connected with red string)

9. Most impressive fixation on one small, non-PC thing that really doesn’t hurt anyone but apparently is a “plague on society”

10. 20KM non-race walk where everyone wins a participation medal

This decathlon will be live-streamed on CNN following the 5th segment of the hour that talks about just how much everything is going to hell, and an entire hour of Anderson Cooper just screaming “FUCK IT” on a loop.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The views expressed here are in no way affiliated with the Georgia Institute of Technology.