Mini-500 results nullified after entire field found to be doping
Scandal has rocked one of Georgia Tech’s most venerated traditions, the Mini-500, after every single contestant who took part in this year’s edition, including the pit crews, were found guilty of doping. Georgia Tech’s Urinalysis Lab, which is housed in the basement of the new West Village (where the smell of the shit they call food conceals the lab's odor perfectly), concluded that a staggering total of 43 illicit substances were collectively found in the urine samples of the contestants. The list of substances includes, but is not limited to:
- Anabolic steroids
- Horse tranquilizers
- 64 oz of original concentration Four Loko (found in one person)
- Papa John’sⓇ Garlic Sauce
- Blue Donkey Crack Cocaine Light
- Essence of Honey Badger
- Synjyn Days*
- Bud Light Lime**
*Former Georgia Tech running back Synjyn Days is not, in fact, an illicit substance; in this case, one of the racers was found to literally be Synjyn Days with a fake moustache.
**Not an illicit substance. Just wrong on every level.
Additionally, three different teams were all found to have fielded racers that were actually three toddlers in a trench coat.
In other news, school officials have concluded that there’s no such thing as the Georgia Tech Urinalysis Lab and are opening an investigation into how a homeless man managed to collect urine from several hundred students and store it all in the basement of West Village.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and is not associated with/does not reflect the opinions of the Georgia Institute of Technology. Synjyn Days, as far as we can tell, is still a criminally underused member of the Dallas Cowboys' practice squad.