T-Square to be new Obamacare registration platform

 Associated Press, 2016

Associated Press, 2016

The genius minds behind T-Square, Georgia Tech’s beloved learning management platform, will add yet another win to their RAT caps after the Trump administration announced that T-Square will now be utilized as the official government portal for Affordable Care Act enrollment.

“Never let it be said that I don’t want people to have healthcare because this is gonna be yuuuuge for healthcare. T-Square is literally the best at helping poor people, you’re all gonna love it,” announced President Trump over his no longer suspended Twitter account. Acting Health Secretary and secret love child of Christopher Lee and Col. Sanders Eric Hargan released an official memorandum that details the improvements that T-Square will bring to the enrollment process:

  • More secure: Two-factor authentication is already a feature beloved by Georgia Tech students, but a government program requires a few more steps to ensure total security. T-Square for Obamacare will require that you input your password, confirm your login on your phone, provide fingerprint confirmation directly on the screen of your touchscreen laptop, and fax a scanned copy of your government issued photo ID.*
    • *If you are unable to access a fax machine, smartphone, and touch screen laptop, the Department of Health recommends that you just try not to get sick until you can.
  • Faster: Back in the troubled times of the Obama administration, signing up for a vital service that would determine your access to health services could take as long as 10 minutes! Now, thanks to President Trump’s team, the process has been sped up thanks to special “Registrant Efficiency Motivators” - i.e. any potential registrant has to complete the process in 30 seconds before the portal times out and they have to start over.
  • More community input: Obamacare isn’t perfect (especially seeing as it was spawned by the Devil’s anus), but the government is more than willing to take comments from the community into account. That’s why, in addition to T-Square, the Department of Health will be using yet another favorite Georgia Tech learning tool - Piazza! Just create a username that contains the first letter of your first name, your social security number, and who you voted for, and the government will be more than happy to discuss your thoughts on socialist healthcare.
    • Not valid in major cities, blue states, territories, or in neighborhoods run by sharia law. All questions must be on topic as filtered by Chris Christie. Message and data rates may (probably will) apply.   
  • More efficient: Registering the miniscule number of Americans that desire socialist Nazi healthcare in this country can be difficult, but T-Square once again offers the best solution: time tickets! Getting healthcare has never been easier: a total of two different time tickets will be distributed depending on whether eligible registrants have any pre-existing conditions -- all time tickets will be between 2:30 a.m. and 4:17 a.m. on November 32nd.

Looking for more information about how T-Square for Obamacare will change things for the better? Well, all the resources you need have been uploaded to T-Square. Just make sure you download them before you time out.


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The views of this article do not represent those of the Georgia Institute of Technology. Additionally, it should be noted that the enrollment period for the Affordable Care Act, which the Trump administration cut in half this year, ends on December 15th. 


Campus PoliticsThe Crouton