UGA accused of pumping artificial crowd literacy into Sanford Stadium
The NCAA announced today that they are launching an investigation into allegations that the University of Georgia has been pumping artificial crowd literacy into Sanford Stadium on game days. The investigation was prompted after numerous opposition players and coaches reported that they could actually understand the insults being hurled at them from the stands.
The following is an excerpt from the official NCAA report released earlier today:
"In accordance with Article 19 of the Division I Charter, the National Collegiate Athletics Association hereby opens an investigation into the allegations made against the University (sic) of Georgia that artificial crowd literacy has been pumped into Sanford Stadium on game days with the express purpose of attempting to portray fans of U(sic)GA as anything other than the drooling dumbasses* that we all know they are.
*The term ‘drooling dumbasses’ is officially defined in the NCAA Labels and Titles HandbookⓇ, specifically in Section 2.5c “SEC Students and Fans." See also: 'Walmart Fans.'"
The allegations were made based on a number of instances of suspiciously literate behavior witnessed by several firsthand observers. These alleged instances of literacy include, but are not limited to, the following:
- November 26, 2016 - Georgia Tech @ u(sic)GA: Several Georgia Tech coaches reported hearing insults that didn’t use double negatives - instead of the typical “Y’all ain’t nothing!”, they reported hearing “Your team is not anything to concern ourselves with!”
- September 23, 2017 - Mississippi State @ u(sic)GA: Several opposition fans were instantly suspicious when they spotted signs that bothered to use the entire word “Mississippi,” a word that is considered three syllables too long for the average u(sic)GA fan.
- October 14, 2017 - Missouri @ u(sic)GA: Missouri fans viewing the game on t.v. were immediately concerned when they saw the following image on their displays:
University (sic) of Georgia officials have already responded with a statement of their own:
“We do not agree with the investigashun, but are ready to comply with the NCAA. We are sure we will be eckson... ecxonn-... exxoom-… we will be cleared of all bad-doing.”
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The views above do not reflect those of the Georgia Institute of Technology. We are in no way suggesting that U(sic)GA fans or students are illiterate.*
*For U(sic)GA fans and students:
1. Unable to read or write.
o ignorant in a particular subject or activity.
o uncultured or poorly educated.
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