Candidate Profile: Leanne and Apollo

Leanne and Apollo are running on a platform that makes Apollo look a bit taller than he really is. But what do the voters need to know about these candidates?

Apollo Liu

Pros

  • Can complete a back flip 75% of the time
  • Promises to not use taxpayer funds to insure his hair
  • Bears a striking resemblance to the former finalist for World Rugby's Breakthrough Player of the Year Nehe Milner-Skudder
  • Proficient in Microsoft Excel

Cons

  • The 25% of the times he can't complete a back flip he face-plants in the most epic way possible
  • Fails to connect with the segment of the student population that can't grow facial hair
  • Might actually be Nehe Milner-Skudder, in which case the effect that head injuries might have on his ability to govern are a serious issue
  • Actually puts that he's proficient in Microsoft Excel on his resume

Leanne Francis

Pros

  • Has never been sorted into Hufflepuff when taking any sorting quiz
  • Got into a fight with a grizzly bear but solved it with a words instead of violence
  • Became a legally certified wedding officiant in every state except Montana thanks to a 15-minute online course
  • Connects well with the non-beard growing community in a way that her running mate, Apollo, simply fails to do

Cons

  • Once watched an entire round of televised golf on purpose
  • Only knows half the lyrics to the 2005 alt-rock classic "Beverly Hills" by Weezer
  • Thinks The Phantom Menace is the best movie in the Star Wars franchise
  • Sends her coffee back at Starbucks if they don't spell her name with two n's
Is Apollo Liu actually famed rugby player Nehe Milner-Skudder? And if he is, will he be able to balance a professional rugby career with an SGA vice presidency?

Is Apollo Liu actually famed rugby player Nehe Milner-Skudder? And if he is, will he be able to balance a professional rugby career with an SGA vice presidency?

The Crouton