Keys to the Cage Fight

Thursday night’s epic battle is just two days away and we’ve got all the in-depth analysis you need. Here are the Crouton’s Keys to the Cage Fight.

Apollo has been known to stick his head in the sand on certain controversial issues.

Apollo has been known to stick his head in the sand on certain controversial issues.

  • Each ticket is going to have to address the elephant in the room – Rush Limbaugh. We have received completely unsubstantiated reports from a fortune-telling gypsy that Limbaugh might attend.
  • Both the Sujay/Richard ticket and the Leanne/Apollo ticket need to avoid falling into Connor’s dimples which, despite their relatively innocent outward appearance, are actually portals to the shadow realm.
  • If Sujay and Richard can bait their opponents into making a really bad Harold and Kumar joke, they should be able to coast to an easy victory.
  • Leanne and Apollo should avoid mentioning that this is actually the second cage fight they’ve participated in.
  • Lizzie and Connor need to steer the debate towards their most popular policy recommendations – namely anti-vaping laws and the installation of a fiery all-seeing eye on top of Tech Tower.
  • Apollo needs to avoid doing whatever it is he's doing on the right.
  • Sujay and Richard should focus on Sujay's greatest victory, the hammock garden, and avoid any discussions on the environmental repercussions of the pesticides that the hammock garden requires to grow healthy organic hammocks.
  • The Crouton needs to pray that at least 10 people show up and that its moderators don’t fall off the stage.

Thursday night’s bout promises to be an epic fight for supremacy. Be at the Student Center at 7 pm to witness the event.