"New year, new me!" says Ashley as she burns off her fingerprints and shaves her head

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The new year is the perfect time for a lifestyle change, and Ashley McGregor, 3rd year ME, isn’t planning on missing her chance. “New year, new me!” she told us as she placed her old birth certificate and social security card in a dumpster fire to watch them burn along with any remnants of her past life. 

“Some people go to the gym on January 1st, some people start a new diet - it’s all about making those small changes that will make your life better in the long run!” Ashley told us as she carefully placed the corpse that she’d stolen from the morgue and modified to have her dental records in the driver’s seat of her car which smelled strongly of lighter fluid. “If you want to stick to your resolutions in 2018, making a few small cosmetic changes can inspire you to become an entirely new person!” said Kelly Moore, a 4th year business student with no student debt and no clingy boyfriend, as she placed her fingertips in a vat of acid to burn off her prints. "Even something simple like a change of hairstyle can give you that feeling of renewal that everyone needs after a tough year!" she exclaimed over the sound of the electric trimmer as she embraced her inner-Britney Spears.

“Let’s get 2018 started with a bang motherfuckers,” concluded Kelly as she lit a cigarette from a newly purchased pack of Marlboros and flicked it into the car behind her.

 

 

 

Disclaimer: This article does not express the opinions of, nor is it associated with, the Georgia Institute of Technology. We don't recommend trying any of the actions cited in the article above. For obvious reasons. 

MiscThe Crouton