The Crouton Presents: Our NBA Dream Team
The NBA Finals are here, and with the latest installment of what seems to have become an annual tradition for the Cavs and the Warriors coming up, it’s hard not to think in hypotheticals. What if this player hadn’t gotten hurt? What if that team hadn’t traded away half of their bench? What if the owner hadn’t gotten quoted saying that really racist thing that destroyed the team’s credibility for years to come? Basketball isn’t a perfect science; each team in any year’s Finals has weaknesses that can easily be exploited. Therefore, we at The Crouton have tasked our NBA experts with putting together the perfect team, which we believe could sweep the NBA Finals any year.
Point Guard: Troy Bolton
Who wouldn’t want East High’s dreamiest Wildcat taking the ball down the court on basketball’s biggest stage? After a stellar high school career, it’s to be assumed that Troy Bolton went on to dominate at the University of California, Berkeley, thus making him one of the top prospects for the ideal NBA Finals team. Also, in taking him, you’ll have the knowledge that win or lose, Mr. Bolton will put on an incredible musical number following the game.
Small Forward: That Kid From Luck of the Irish
Don’t let the word “small” fool you; this almost-leprechaun has a big heart and an even bigger game. I mean, beating a gang of Irish goons to win back a lucky coin that secures your family’s heritage and prevents you from turning into a vertically-challenged mythical creature? If Kyle Johnson can do that, he can definitely do something as trivial as win the NBA Finals.
Shooting Guard: Bugs Bunny
The NBA is an All-Star’s league. If you don’t have at least one big name on your team, there’s no way you can be competitive, much less win a championship. Therefore, who better to have on your perfect NBA team than Bugs Bunny himself? Bugs has been a household name for decades, and more than that, he’s played alongside one of the greatest players of all time: Michael Jordan. If Bug’s performance in Space Jam shows us anything, it’s that his experience with Jordan is bound to rub off on his game, making him perfect for an elite NBA squad.
Power Forward: Jackie Moon From Semi-Pro
A good power forward should be versatile all over the court and able to make plays when the team needs them most. Jackie Moon is the epitome of the word “clutch.” Who else could so masterfully rebuild the Flint Tropics from the ground up, perfect the alley-oop to mount the most important comeback of the season, and wrestle a bear solely for publicity? Jackie Moon had to try and force his way into the NBA, and there’s no doubt that with the right teammates, he could take anyone all the way to the title.
Center: Buddy From Air Bud
Basketball’s favorite golden retriever is the perfect way to round out your team. If any other potential centers are upset that they lost their spot to a fuckin’ dog, just show them his vertical, and they’re bound to simultaneously accept defeat and fall in love with him instantly. I mean, come on, he can dunk and roll over? He’s the ultimate good boy, and you’d be lucky to have him.
